Best of the Worst Sex Scene Contest Entry #cravepub #amreading #amwriting

#crave (67)What is this contest about? Have you ever read a sex scene that was so awful, you were laughing on the floor? If your answer is yes, do you think you can write one that’s worse? We mean better. No, that’s not right. Cheesier. Funnier. That’s it!

So without further ado, behold our first entry. To vote for this entry, please leave a comment on this blog post.

Reader Discretion Advised. Please read on if you dare.

Sex Scene: “Grr, come to your Captain.”

By Lady Moist-Petals

“Grr, come to your Captain.” Ulysses snorted through his nose and revved his foot on the ground, clawing his fingers through the air. His naked body glistened with the sweat of his desire.

From her spot on the bed in his Captain’s suite, Fiona could barely contain herself. Her breath hastened and she flushed a deep red, as she watched Ulysses’s muscles flex, his gold tooth reflecting the light of the candles. “Oh, yes,” she moaned. “Take me. Take me now!”

Fiona’s breasts heaved in her flimsy dress, as she put the back of her hand to her head, her long, raven locks flowing over her pale white shoulders.

The ship rocked back and forth on the Atlantic, but the rhythm of the movement just made her want him more. Even though he’d kidnapped her for ransom from her father, the King, she couldn’t control the heat caused by the sight of Ulysses, the richest, most powerful and well-built pirate she’d ever come across. His long dark hair matched the curls on his chest and his back, and when he growled at her, she couldn’t deny the fire burning between her legs. He was all man. All pirate. And at the moment, he was all hers.

She moved her hand over her breast, feeling her flesh hard against the silky material. “Now, Ulysses. Take me as your woman.”

He pounced on her, ripping the bodice of her thin gown. She moaned his name in response.

“I never knew when I kidnapped you, that you’d be the actual treasure. Your breasts are mounds of delight between my lips.” He took her straining nipple into his mouth. His erect manhood pressed against her thigh. “I don’t want your father to pay your ransom. I want to keep you forever.”

She tangled her hands in his hair as he suckled her. “Oh Uly, you’re so romantic!”

“I must have you now, Fi-fi.” He pulled up her skirt, reaching underneath.

She panted as his fingers found the soft, wet flesh that throbbed for him. “Make me yours!”

Ulysses pulled away, looking down at her, splayed out for his enjoyment. He showed her his strength and desire by ripping her clothes off of her body. He didn’t care that she had nothing else to wear. He planned on keeping her naked in his bed the entire journey across the sea, anyway.

Fiona whimpered when she was finally free of her clothes. Her large breasts stood at full attention, begging to be ravished, her long hair fanned over the bed under her.

Her gaze traveled the length of his body. “You’re so strong, and … ,” she gulped when her eyes landed on between his legs, “large.”

“Of course I am.” He grabbed his swollen manhood and stroked it toward her. “I am going to fill you up, and make you mine.”

“Ah..h…h,” Fiona stuttered. She lifted her hips off the bed. “Explore me, Captain!”

He lowered himself between her milky thighs and plunged his member into her, pleased with himself when she screamed in delight. “Your love hole is my true pleasure, Fiona.”

He gyrated in and out of her, as she moaned with each thrust.




He stopped moving and his eyes pooled with tears. “Precious you! I will be your only lover, ever!” He buried his face between her breasts.

“Y..yes,” she stuttered, her thighs shaking around him, as she pressed his face into her breasts.

Ulysses lifted his head, then watched his lover as he entered her again. Her green eyes fluttered under her long lashes. “Do you like how I feel inside of you?” He knew the answer, but wanted to hear her say it.

“Very much, Uly.” She grinded underneath him. “Please don’t stop.”

With another growl, he gyrated into her, giving her the satisfaction she craved. “Your body gives me such pleasure.”

“Yes, the pleasure…What is this … feeling… like I’m climbing a mountain but with my lady parts?”

He puffed out his chest at her innocence. “You’re going to lose your mind when you reach the peak, young Fi-fi.” He thrust into her again, not sure how long he could hold out. “Now! Reach the peak! I demand you.”

“Ohhhh,” she moaned. She loved when Uly bossed her around. She moved her hips against his, not sure how she knew what to do, but letting her love for her manly captor take over her body. Then, overcome by trembles, she screamed, “I’ve reached the peak and I am your woman now!”

With one last groan, Ulysses pulled Fiona’s hips into his, and emptied his magical juice into her, claiming her as his own. After, he rolled off of her and stretched on his back, satisfied and spent.

Fiona curled her body around his, her bare breasts pressing against him. “I am yours, forever.”

He grinned, looking down at his new woman. “You have satisfied me, Fiona. I shall keep you with me, the King and his ransom money be Damned.”

She burst into tears. “Oh, Uly! I love you so much.”

Ulysses patted her bare shoulder. “There, there. Of course you do.”

He held her as she cried tears of joy, as the rocking of the boat lulled them into a peaceful sleep.

#amwriting #romance It’s Back! The Best of the Worst Sex Scene Writing Contest

#crave (67)Have you ever read a sex scene that was so awful, you were laughing on the floor? If your answer is yes, do you think you can write one that’s worse? We mean better. No, that’s not right. Cheesier. Funnier. That’s it!

Introducing our Second “Best” of the Worst Sex Scene Writing Contest.

RULES: This contest is open to published and non-published writers. We are looking for the most over the top, gratuitous sex scene you can possibly write. Make it moist, make it drip, make it cringe-worthy, make it juicy, and make us laugh. (Please keep your entry rated “R” or “NC-17”. We will accept raunchy and naughty, but not extreme or hardcore entries. ). Original material only.

Submit your 500-1000 word sex scene to, with WORST SEX SCENE in the subject line today, the last day we will accept and post entries on our blog ( is 3/31/18. The entry with the most comments on their blog post by 4/15/18 will be our winner.

PRIZE: $25 Amazon gift card and bragging rights among your friends.

Disclaimer: We reserve the right to decline any entry.

The “Best” of the Worst Sex Scene Contest Winner!

We received six sex scenes for our first contest. All were worthy of winning. They made us laugh. They made us cringe. And all of them gloriously bad.

 And the winner is…

The winner of our first “Best” of the Worst Sex Scene Contest is Amy Underwood. Congratulations, Amy!

Read Amy’s winning entry here.


#crave (16)


Best of the Worst Sex Scene Contest Entry: by C J Laurence #cravepub #amreading #amwriting

DID YOU KNOW...What is this contest about? Have you ever read a sex scene that was so awful, you were laughing on the floor? If your answer is yes, do you think you can write one that’s worse? We mean better. No, that’s not right. Cheesier. Funnier. That’s it!

So without further ado, behold our sixth entry. To vote for this entry, please leave a comment on this blog post.

Reader Discretion Advised. Please read on if you dare.

Sex Scene Entry

by C J Laurence


Yeah, she wants me. I can feel it. Her eyes are roving up and down my fine form; I just know she’s mentally undressing me. My dick twitches in my pants. I want her. I can almost feel her smooth skin in my hands. I’m grabbing her hips, watching her on top of me. Her face is screwed up with pleasure. Her moans are loud. She’s enjoying herself; I can tell. Her tits are bouncing up and down with each move she makes. Her juices are dripping down my shaft, telling me how excited I’ve made her. God, I’m the man.

The more she moves, the more I struggle to hold back from firing my load into her. Fuck, she wants it though. I wanna fill her up and watch it stream out of her nose. I wanna see her choke on my lovestick. No woman can deep throat me; I’m way too big, but that don’t mean I don’t wanna see myself in her mouth, her cute wet lips wrapped around my John Thomas.

I flip her over and have her from behind. Nothing like hanging out the back of a gorgeous woman who is begging and screaming for more. I pound into her, flesh slapping against flesh. My balls are swinging and hitting her clit with each powerful thrust I give her. I’m covered in sweat but the sight of her face down ass up is just too good to leave.

My moment comes quicker than expected. All too soon, I’m crippled over, groaning as my white-hot semen pumps into her. My bell end throbs, sensitive from its unload. I don’t wanna pull out of her pretty pussy, all dripping wet and moist with both of our juices, but I’m flopping quicker than normal.



I can see him across the bar, staring at me. He keeps licking his lips and looking up and down my body. The haze over his eyes tells me that he’s not drunk, but imagining us both naked, writhing around in the highest levels of pleasure a woman has ever known. I give him a quick once over and let my mind piece together the likelihood of a sexual encounter with him.

Without a doubt, I’d have to go on top. There’s no way he’s getting me off any other way. I’m on top, riding him like a bucking bronco ‘coz I need this shag over and done with already. I moan a bit louder and roll my eyes back into my head. Gotta make him think I’m enjoying myself. Remembering that Eastenders is on at eight, I think back over what happened in the last episode.

Shit, it distracts me too much. I start to dry up, making it almost as physically painful as it is mentally to be sat up here. I look down at him. He’s mesmerised by my boobs jostling in front of him. I buck my hips harder, making it harder for him to hold out. For fucks sake man, just cum already!

I’m bored now. I’ve had more enjoyment from eating ice on a hot day. Looking down at him, I bite my lip and run my hands over my body. Trick works. He scrabbles up, giving me a brief moment of bliss as he slips out. I daren’t look down at his manhood again. The urge not to say ‘aww, that’s cute’ had almost been too great to ignore when I first saw it.

Legs and arms fumble about until we’re finally in doggy style. I bury my face in the bedsheet and start working through my list of jobs to do at work tomorrow. He pats my clit with his hand, groaning to himself as he does so. What the fuck is he doing? He runs his fingers down to my gaping hole and spreads my lips apart as he dives inside me once again.

I let my mind wander to that hot, one-night stand who was the only one to give me multiple orgasms. Jeeze, he was good. Real good. I let my memories take over, reminding me of each gushing release he gave me. My body remembers him and begins to respond. My love juice drips from my entrance, ready for him.

But instead, the weight of the man actually behind me falls onto my back. He groans and wriggles around as he shoots his excitement into me. Quickly, I move my fingers to my clit. A few rubs with some decent pressure in the right place and I’m done. Thank fucking God.

He’s going limp already. Talk about a stud. He all but flops out. I look down to see it shrivelling up before my eyes. Thick, white blobs of his cum drip out the end of his foreskin. I think I’m going to be sick.


Walking towards the exit of the busy club, she strides up to him. He straightens himself, grinning at his win of the night.

“I hope that was as unsatisfying for you as it was for me.”

In a breeze she’s gone, the linger of her spicy perfume the only thing telling she was ever there.

Best of the Worst Sex Scene Contest Entry: Lab Animal #9 by Joyce Frohn #cravepub #amreading #amwriting

DID YOU KNOW...What is this contest about? Have you ever read a sex scene that was so awful, you were laughing on the floor? If your answer is yes, do you think you can write one that’s worse? We mean better. No, that’s not right. Cheesier. Funnier. That’s it!

So without further ado, behold our fifth entry. To vote for this entry, please leave a comment on this blog post.

Reader Discretion Advised. Please read on if you dare.

Excerpt from “Lab Animal Number 9”

 by Joyce Frohn

    Jay-Jay bent his head so he could look up at her, while keeping his arms wrapped around her thumb. “Didn’t you notice your computer time logs or did you just figure that one of the students was logging on to ‘interesting’ sites? Here’s another proverb for you, ‘What is sauce for the goose, is sauce for the gander.’ That means that if Drakken can get aroused watching humans have sex, it can go the other way, too.” He pressed his naked body against her thumb feeling her scaly skin push inward with every thrust of his hips. His penis hardened as he thought about what was to come.

        Shokomish smiled down at him. “You didn’t say what your second request was.”

        “You could keep me company. I’m lonely.”

        “So, you want me to take human form-“

        “No, you’re Drakken. I don’t want you to disguise yourself. You could keep your shape and only shift your size.” He nibbled a bit of her skin and massaged the claw bed of her thumb with both hands.

         “It’s never done but-” She took off her lab coat and rested both arms on the lab bench. Her body glowed, and she began to shrink.

          Jay-Jay had his legs braced as she shifted. He grabbed her arm as she shrunk and pulled her up. “You would have had a bad fall. Next time, sit on the lab bench.” He stepped back and looked at her for a moment before wrapping his arms around her, feeling her vestigial wings under her lab coat. “You’re my size now.” He ran his tongue down her facial scales while his fingers stroked her vibrissae. Her pupils widened so much that they were almost round.

         “What’s sauce for the goose,” Shokomish said. One fork of her tongue went into his ear as the other fork stroked his earlobe. Her cloaca widened and lubricated. She took off the lab coat and laid in on the counter

      Jay-Jay led her toward the cage holding her arm. “Welcome to my house. We’ll have a good time tonight. I’ve got lots of ideas about what you can do with that tail.” The fingers of his other hand ran along the small spines on her back.

      She trilled for a moment, as he swung open the cage door. Then she paused, “But are we compatible? Will you fit?” She ran tiny but still needle sharp claws down his back.

        He trembled. And smiled at her. “Of course.” He stroked his upright penis. “I measured myself against your favorite vibrartor.” He giggled a bit. “The one you wrote such a good review for. You might want to delete some of your history.” Now her forked tongue moved down to stroke both his nipples. He shut the door of the laboratory cage behind them and pulled the dark curtain over the cage door.

            It was several hours before Shokomish fell asleep from exhaustion. Jay-Jay tore batting from the flooring and slid it under her head. He hoped she wouldn’t regain her right size in her sleep. If she did, he’d lose the best home he’d ever had.

Best of the Worst Sex Scene Contest Entry: Love Thy Neighbor by Elsa Kurt #cravepub #amreading #amwriting

DID YOU KNOW...What is this contest about? Have you ever read a sex scene that was so awful, you were laughing on the floor? If your answer is yes, do you think you can write one that’s worse? We mean better. No, that’s not right. Cheesier. Funnier. That’s it!

So without further ado, behold our fourth entry. To vote for this entry, please leave a comment on this blog post.

Reader Discretion Advised. Please read on if you dare.




It was a Wednesday night. August, hot and dry. Shana sipped her second glass of wine. She was restless, bored. All her married friends were home with their husbands and kids, and her single friends- all two of them- were busy. She knew she should just call it a night, maybe watch some Netflix.

She flicked on the T.V. and blankly stared at the screen. Her interest piqued when the actor’s-Gerard Butler- bare chest filled the screen. The shot pulled back and her eyes followed his vertical crease down to the bulge beneath his fitted pants.

Damn it, now I’m bored and horny.

She sighed and pushed herself off the couch. Outside her apartment, in the hallway, she heard a familiar voice. It was her new neighbor. Her hot new neighbor. Shana peeked through her peephole. Broad shoulders, firm, round ass. Big hands. She was picturing what those hands could do. He was on the phone with someone.

“Fine, you know what, forget it. We’re through. Fine!”

He jammed his phone into his pocket and felt around, obviously looking for something.

“Keys, where the fuck are my keys?”

He huffed and smacked his hand against his door.

Aww, no keys. Poor, sexy neighbor guy.

Then, as if sensing her behind the door, he turned. Shana yanked her head back, hoping he hadn’t seen her eyeball staring at him. Slowly, she moved back to view him again. She jumped, he was right in front of the door!

“Hello? Anybody home? I, uh, locked myself out.”

Without thinking, Shana swung open the door. The hot neighbor looked her up and down, his eyebrows raised.

“Wow. Hi, I’m Tom. Your, uh, new neighbor.”

His eyes kept traveling to Shana’s chest. She realized she only had on a slip, a sheer, silky, pale pink number that V-ed low to expose more than a hint of breast. She knew her nipples were hard under the thin material, but she was feeling emboldened by the wine.

“Hi, Tom. I’m Shana. Everything alright?”

“Uh, no actually. I locked myself out. And on top of that, I just broke up with my girlfriend.”

Was that a catch in his voice? Oh, I think he needs some comforting. And I’m just the woman to do it.

“You poor thing, come on in and I’ll get you some wine.”

“Oh, I hate to be a bother…”

“No bother. Have a seat.”

She poured them each a glass and sat beside him on the sofa. Tom poured his heart out, his eyes shined. But, still, his eyes traveled to Shana’s breasts, her thighs. A glance down at his pants told her all she needed to know. She took his glass from him and set it down. Then, much to his surprise, she climbed on top of him, straddling his waist. She’d intended to give him a slow, deep kiss, but Tom was excited and came in fast and hard. His tongue filled her whole mouth, soupy wet. She could feel a line of drool slide out the corner of her lips.

Okay, okay, he needs a little training, that’s all. My God, I need a bucket. Eww.

“Whoa, easy there, big guy. Let’s set you free, hmm?”

Shana unzipped him, expecting a bulge that matched his hands to spring free. It was more like a little Jimmy Deans breakfast sausage link. To hide her disappointment, she pulled his face to her breasts. Instead of flicking his tongue against her nipples… he motorboated her. Shana blinked in surprise.

‘You like that, baby, don’t you? You want me to do it again?”


He did it again, this time with a louder sound effect.

I was going to say, please don’t. Ugh. Oh, well how much worse can it get?

“Okay, uh, big guy, I can’t wait for it any longer, give it me.”

She rolled her eyes as he fumbled with his dick, trying to find her sweet spot. Once there (at least, she was pretty sure he was there) he began some kind of rapid hip thrusts, like a schizophrenic jack rabbit. He accompanied it with a sound like,

“Uh, uh, uh, uhhh…”

Shana’s breasts flopped out of her slip and bounced around, and she had to clench her teeth to keep them from chattering together. To make matters worse, he smelled like wet gym socks and onions.

“Let me look at you while I fuck you, baby.”

He tipped her back and began kneading her breast like a clump of pizza dough.

“Yeah. Yeah Yeahhh.”

It was clear that Tom was oblivious of the fact that there was a person attached to the body parts, so Shana began checking her cuticles while he bumped and jostled her about. The loud, uncoordinated slap, slap, slap-slap of their bodies made her want to laugh, so she bit her lower lip.

How much longer is this going to go on? I should’ve just watched Netflix.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, Tom started announcing his intentions. In the third person.

“Oh, yeah. Big Tommy’s gonna come. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah… Tommy’s gonna give you his big…hard…co-o-o-o-o-ock!”

Then he made a sound like a kitten mewl. He pulled Shana close, pressing her face into his shoulder. He was muttering something unintelligible, and suddenly, Shana realized he was crying.

Oh, my God. This is not happening right now.

“Oh, so… this was…. something else! You uh, clearly need some, uh, time to… heal. From your break-up, that is. Hang on. Here- here’s a towel. Just um, take it with you, and uh, have a great night. Ok, yeah, bye.

She didn’t let Tom get in a word. She practically shoved him out the door, hand towel and all. The last thing she heard him say was,

“But I still don’t have my apartment keys!”

She avoided him for the next month, then moved to another complex across town.