What is this contest about? Have you ever read a sex scene that was so awful, you were laughing on the floor? If your answer is yes, do you think you can write one that’s worse? We mean better. No, that’s not right. Cheesier. Funnier. That’s it!
So without further ado, behold our fourth entry. To vote for this entry, please leave a comment on this blog post.
Reader Discretion Advised. Please read on if you dare.
LOVE THY NEIGHBOR
by ELSA KURT
It was a Wednesday night. August, hot and dry. Shana sipped her second glass of wine. She was restless, bored. All her married friends were home with their husbands and kids, and her single friends- all two of them- were busy. She knew she should just call it a night, maybe watch some Netflix.
She flicked on the T.V. and blankly stared at the screen. Her interest piqued when the actor’s-Gerard Butler- bare chest filled the screen. The shot pulled back and her eyes followed his vertical crease down to the bulge beneath his fitted pants.
Damn it, now I’m bored and horny.
She sighed and pushed herself off the couch. Outside her apartment, in the hallway, she heard a familiar voice. It was her new neighbor. Her hot new neighbor. Shana peeked through her peephole. Broad shoulders, firm, round ass. Big hands. She was picturing what those hands could do. He was on the phone with someone.
“Fine, you know what, forget it. We’re through. Fine!”
He jammed his phone into his pocket and felt around, obviously looking for something.
“Keys, where the fuck are my keys?”
He huffed and smacked his hand against his door.
Aww, no keys. Poor, sexy neighbor guy.
Then, as if sensing her behind the door, he turned. Shana yanked her head back, hoping he hadn’t seen her eyeball staring at him. Slowly, she moved back to view him again. She jumped, he was right in front of the door!
“Hello? Anybody home? I, uh, locked myself out.”
Without thinking, Shana swung open the door. The hot neighbor looked her up and down, his eyebrows raised.
“Wow. Hi, I’m Tom. Your, uh, new neighbor.”
His eyes kept traveling to Shana’s chest. She realized she only had on a slip, a sheer, silky, pale pink number that V-ed low to expose more than a hint of breast. She knew her nipples were hard under the thin material, but she was feeling emboldened by the wine.
“Hi, Tom. I’m Shana. Everything alright?”
“Uh, no actually. I locked myself out. And on top of that, I just broke up with my girlfriend.”
Was that a catch in his voice? Oh, I think he needs some comforting. And I’m just the woman to do it.
“You poor thing, come on in and I’ll get you some wine.”
“Oh, I hate to be a bother…”
“No bother. Have a seat.”
She poured them each a glass and sat beside him on the sofa. Tom poured his heart out, his eyes shined. But, still, his eyes traveled to Shana’s breasts, her thighs. A glance down at his pants told her all she needed to know. She took his glass from him and set it down. Then, much to his surprise, she climbed on top of him, straddling his waist. She’d intended to give him a slow, deep kiss, but Tom was excited and came in fast and hard. His tongue filled her whole mouth, soupy wet. She could feel a line of drool slide out the corner of her lips.
Okay, okay, he needs a little training, that’s all. My God, I need a bucket. Eww.
“Whoa, easy there, big guy. Let’s set you free, hmm?”
Shana unzipped him, expecting a bulge that matched his hands to spring free. It was more like a little Jimmy Deans breakfast sausage link. To hide her disappointment, she pulled his face to her breasts. Instead of flicking his tongue against her nipples… he motorboated her. Shana blinked in surprise.
‘You like that, baby, don’t you? You want me to do it again?”
He did it again, this time with a louder sound effect.
I was going to say, please don’t. Ugh. Oh, well how much worse can it get?
“Okay, uh, big guy, I can’t wait for it any longer, give it me.”
She rolled her eyes as he fumbled with his dick, trying to find her sweet spot. Once there (at least, she was pretty sure he was there) he began some kind of rapid hip thrusts, like a schizophrenic jack rabbit. He accompanied it with a sound like,
“Uh, uh, uh, uhhh…”
Shana’s breasts flopped out of her slip and bounced around, and she had to clench her teeth to keep them from chattering together. To make matters worse, he smelled like wet gym socks and onions.
“Let me look at you while I fuck you, baby.”
He tipped her back and began kneading her breast like a clump of pizza dough.
“Yeah. Yeah Yeahhh.”
It was clear that Tom was oblivious of the fact that there was a person attached to the body parts, so Shana began checking her cuticles while he bumped and jostled her about. The loud, uncoordinated slap, slap, slap-slap of their bodies made her want to laugh, so she bit her lower lip.
How much longer is this going to go on? I should’ve just watched Netflix.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, Tom started announcing his intentions. In the third person.
“Oh, yeah. Big Tommy’s gonna come. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah… Tommy’s gonna give you his big…hard…co-o-o-o-o-ock!”
Then he made a sound like a kitten mewl. He pulled Shana close, pressing her face into his shoulder. He was muttering something unintelligible, and suddenly, Shana realized he was crying.
Oh, my God. This is not happening right now.
“Oh, so… this was…. something else! You uh, clearly need some, uh, time to… heal. From your break-up, that is. Hang on. Here- here’s a towel. Just um, take it with you, and uh, have a great night. Ok, yeah, bye.
She didn’t let Tom get in a word. She practically shoved him out the door, hand towel and all. The last thing she heard him say was,
“But I still don’t have my apartment keys!”
She avoided him for the next month, then moved to another complex across town.