What is this contest about? Have you ever read a sex scene that was so awful, you were laughing on the floor? If your answer is yes, do you think you can write one that’s worse? We mean better. No, that’s not right. Cheesier. Funnier. That’s it!
So without further ado, behold our third entry. To vote for this entry, please leave a comment on this blog post.
Reader Discretion Advised. Please read on if you dare.
by Amy Underwood
Walking into her favorite bar, Jazz always sits in the same spot, it was normal for her to sit at the bar in the corner where no one notices her. She just wanted to drink until she forgets everything.
A regular comes in and sees that she is still sitting in the same spot nursing a beer and thought, why not, I will go and see if she needs company. He sat down next to her and smiled, Jazz could not see a figure of a man but she was so drunk she did not care, he could be Brad Pitt and still nothing, she just wanted to drink alone.
“Need company little lady,” he just wanted to get laid and knew she would go for it. He laid down the key to his motel room and whispered near her ear, “If you want company, this is where I’ll be.” He got up from his seat and the other patron was cheering him on before he left the bar, he had trouble meeting women and even more, trouble getting back to his motel room, this one looked easy and he knew it would be his night.
Jazz saw the key and shook her head and ordered another beer, this asshole wants to have sex with me, fat chance. The bartender put the beer down and smiled at her but she just threw the money down and gave him a dirty look. She looked at the key again and wondered to herself why not, it has been a long time, what could it hurt, I’m already drunk. Before she knew it, she was standing at the motel door with the key in her hand.
The man was so excited that she came and opened the door before she put the key in the lock nearly knocking her over. He grabbed her hand and led her into the room and closed the door.
All Jazz saw was the room spinning and wanted to sit down. The man hands were all over her, she was getting dizzy from all the movement. He was already naked and she tried to get undressed but her fingers would not work. The man was getting impatient with her and grabbed at her clothes and took them all off throwing them everywhere.
What was this guy in a hurry for, she thought, I can undress myself and maybe have a few more drinks? He pushed her on the bed and climbed on top of her. She could feel a lot of hair on his back and it seems to feel a bit slimy. He was already grunting like a wild boar, jackhammering her head to the headboard. She couldn’t feel anything. What the hell is this guy fucking she wondered? All she could feel was a heavy man on top of her, she just wanted it to end so she decided to make it look like she was having a blast and faked an orgasm while trying not to laugh her ass off.
After about a minute he fell completely on top of her and did not move.
OMG, did this guy just have a heart attack and die? She was starting to panic and could not move a muscle. After struggling for a few minutes, she finally got out from under him and landed on the ground next to the bed when the guy lets out a huge fart which almost brought tears to her eyes.
What the hell did this guy eat? Death by a fart is not a way to go she laughed. He let out another fart that nearly choked her to death. I need to get out of here fast, I will stay low to the ground and hope the farts will not kill me, she crawled to the bathroom when another bomb went off she looked towards the man still on his stomach and swear to god she saw a puff of green smoke coming from his ass, she closed the bathroom door and threw up.
Looking at herself in the mirror, she did not see herself at all, that little romp had sobered her up a lot. Did not know his name or his little pecker too. What was this guy screwing himself? She opened the door quietly and saw the man still had not moved. She found all her clothing and again another fart went off and knew she had to get out of there fast. Looking more closely at the man who in her mind was a minute man, she wondered was she that drunk that she could not even see the real guy?
He was a black hairy gorilla, he was overweight and his skin looked wet, maybe that was the slimy part. To her beer goggle eyes, he looked like the porn star in the 70’s, Ron somebody and she wanted to laugh. He lets out another fart nearly killing her this time around. She found all her clothes and made sure she had everything. Grabbing hold of the door handle, the strange man mumbled something and she froze on the spot. He started to snore again and she wanted to take a breath but the smell was killing her. She quietly opened the door and the fresh air hit her in the face, she looked back and he farted again with a green smoke coming from his ass and she closed the door. She never went back to the bar again.